He may not be a gambler but your situation is similar. He turned that into I am insecure. Thanx for clarifying. It is very important if a partner of someone with NPD decides to leave that they already have a very good plan and have already established effective strategies to de escalate and manage the conflict. I held on to what was left, did marriage counseling, individual counseling, etc. However this individual, who was in my life for 2 1/2 years on and off NEVER said sorry. If my friend thought he didnt need me, he would be gone as fast I could get my next breath out. Hi Ann, I certainly agree with Kim. I would like to approach him out of concern and not as a bully. This was NOT my desired outcome but a result of our unique situation and personalities, and was not the fault of any of the materials or tips Id used during the time I tried to rescue myself and the marriage. (is that part of narcissism?). I know its not funny, but I know why the sales agent hung up. Hi Carol Welcome! Thanks for another great article and check out my reparative relationship website I call Flaky Folks when you get a chance. On another site I read that A true relationship with these people is impossible A relationship of sorts is possible if you are prepared to put in a lot of hard work and be very strong but it might never equal what you deserve and what can be achieved when two people truly love and respect each other. The exercises in The Love Safety net Workbook will help you with this but ultimately you have done the right thing to call his bluff and hold your ground. Yet, I hang on to this thing called hope. Everybody want so know her. I think its sad actually what Im doing and yet, since I once had so much joy in relating to him and he was so much fun in the first five years, a long honeymoon period, that at night I miss our talks since he and I used to talk almost every night. My husband has not changed in fact he has moved on to another woman whom he can control. Fortunately, my 13 year old can see most of his BS, but the 10 and 9 year old boys can not. I dont want to possess him or be obsessed with him. But also confusing if you want to find a way forward through this. Sounds great, but if all others enable, they do not bear the consequencesany wisdom on how to get his family/my family to stop enabling him so I am not assaulted again? He doesnt want to decide because then he has to be accountable I know that much. Your last comment to me when I told you I was giving up on this relationship was. And yet, Id give anything to turn back the hands of time and find a way to work through thisbelieving in my heart that we could both emerge more whole and healed and have a wonderful life! Respect yourself and trust your mind, your heart is just some needy mess you need to be grown up about. Everyone makes choices, let them be formed by their consequences. I read and read and readI find myself wishing he would hit me so I would have a definable reason to leave, something our adult children would understand. He claims to have been to the counselor we saw together and that he knows he did all that to me because he hated himself before and has learned to now love himself. 5 Guard your sensitive information closely. He left me to clean up the problems (getting myself released etc). I can now have an evening in and not feel insecure because Im learning who I am and strangely with his silencing since our last split Ive realised I need to find me. Ive realized the times he/we are in therapy he is good but when the therapy is over it isnt long before he reverts back to his passive aggressive and non-relational ways. I felt sorry for her. The constant struggle I am working on and dont know how to solve is how to deal with broken promises. My question was about not knowing how to hold him accountable when the things he does are small and not police-worthy: blowing up at me over perceived slights, put-downs, emotional distance, not following through on his word, his concerns taking priority, lack of caring and empathy. My problem is as much as we want to move on, we cant because he wont stop contacting us, harassing myself and the kids and we have no protection. I had to get over my embarrassment of ever tolerating or choosing this deranged fool for a partner, how ridiculous. I had terrible abandonment issues from my childhood and bereavements and his scared child behaviour never helped. Moved in with me and 6 months later started choking me, beating me, humiliating and belittling. My heart breaks wide-open again because I am not sure what he is trying! Hang in there and keep working through the steps and exercises in the books! Thats something Ive learned to be so difficult with my husband (we are both men). DA from what was explained to me, a true narcissist does not know how to lovehe knows how to survive on his narcissistic supplywhich is youuntil youre not. After 37 years he left with his then current lover and finally divorced me. Hes a gigolo too, pretty sure of it.I need him out of here and dont know how to be more blunt. Forget needing him to be sorry that is a losers game and only got things to where they are now. Im hoping to share and hear more with everyone. What (they) choose to believe is irrelevant. Learn yours also. I left him four months ago , but somehow I found myself in a state of sadness and heart brokenness I have never thought I can handle for such a long time . I so tried to help and get help for this man as I have empathy for him because I know he is very unhappy also, but I can do no more for him. I only asked you to let me know when you made it back via phone so I knew you made it ok. You did not call me for three days after you came back and it took me calling you mother because I was worried and her telling you that, for you to call me. Then on the first you told me you didnt have the money because it was Christmas and you needed money. He has not moved onto another relationship, though I suspect he uses porn as comfort. My first calls to the police did not go well either until a policeman I met taught me about how to deal with the police if you want them on side. Hey Kim! By pushing your buttons you are tempted to verbally protect yourself. The good thing I have taken care of many members but most of all this is how I have withstand being married to a man like this for this long. Thank you so much for everything! Leaving a narcissist doesn't end with simply physically leaving, packing up your belongings, and building a new life. I sit here feeling alone, empty, worn outas usual, he was in his funk, I was invisible most of the time to him, his excuse is his job issues(once again). What you need is a 100% clear no nonsense boundary that you are in control of not him. When I speak up he makes me out to be the crazy one! In our last phone call (a phone call was a rare event) I confronted him with the bad behavior, some of which is aboveall I got for that was this text, which also said that my words have power over him and IM NOT RESPONSIBLE! (6) he steals my personal data and every photo I have ever had off of my cell phones I have never given him permission. I have to ask them what he says to them to unskrew the lies and manipulation put on them. I have set up a separate account for our bills, what do you think we can do" (this to a spendthrift partner) You Never Beat The Narcissist But once you go there you have lost haven't you? I have been married to my N wife for 16 years. They have been so helpful! 6 Cut off all contact with them if you can. I have been doing when you suggested here. Have you approached him with these things as you have them stated here in the past? His mother committed suicide when he was a child and later his father and step-mother abandon him in his mid-teens. I have pictures, clear pictures to prove it. Good luck xx. When he calls me names I tell him I am sorry he feels that way because I think (something nice) about him and it takes the wind out of his sails. For all this time I have been working on myself, attending classes through the church (designed for couples, but they are letting me go by myself)and I (unlike him) remember the good timeshe COULD be really, really sweetand my soul still loves him (its the only way I know how to describe it as it takes me out of the very human/ego part of me that is pissed as hell at the childish, immoral behavior)..it also lets me not put the blame on myself (which I bought into, and still do some days, like today). Remember if they do it once its happen again! If you still love him well then give him a chance but you also need to make sure you have rock solid boundaries in place including your money and your time. Narcissists can be great at making fictional plans for the future, and never following through on their promises. The world is a much better place when people like that do the only thing that is notable in their life which is for them to kill themselves and do the rest of us a favor. Thanks for writing MJ and congratulations on your new found courage and strength! 2) When returning from you deployment you told me your ex-wife was coming to town and bring the kids so they could see you. Nothing seems a to be my partners fault, other people are always to blame . He is unwilling to change I have tried to work it our for my kids sake hes a good dad Just a lousy husband or even friend to me and I will be the bad guy if I divorce him because no one sees it or wants to. I think that is why i am attracted to these kind of people. I was going to divorce him and he asked for forgiveness and a second chance it was good for a month but he couldnt keep it up and now 7 months later I am telling him I want a divorce our eclesiastical leader is helping he hopes to heal our marraige But I feel my N is immovable to compromise. The consequences of his actions in this situation are hard to tell. Its time to Grow Up! Someone experiencing narcissistic rage may feel that someone else or an event in their life is threatening or may injure their self-esteem or self-worth. But she always thought I was better than her. The fact that Im still doing the same thing with someone who isnt at all interested shows me that even if I met someone new, I dont know if I can try your suggestions. Til death do us part. Hi Michelle, I cannot urge you strongly enough to purchase Back From the Looking Glass. Trying to Make the Narcissist Accountable is Keeping You Hooked. He never did anything for me nothing. Being involved/loving a highly Narcissistic person is the most draining, devestating rape of your life, soul, family, work, financials etc. Everything that goes wrong is always someone elses fault and no matter how logical you are, they will continue to twist and turn their way out of the argument, even if they have to swear the sky is green. I do not claim to be without my own issues. In the end, I regret trying to make him feel consequences. In the meantime you need better security on your house so he cannot break in. When he recently visited while I was putting bubs to sleep (after a month of serious sleep deprivation which Id been trying to pull some consideration or support from him with)he goes to sleep as soon as he arrives as hes had such a hard day.every day is hard in his world, he does to his credit go over the top. totally convinced her that he would take care of her til she died yeah put her in rest home and she never came out. I think my father was also a narcissist, but has been tamed by his new wife who showers him with compliments.